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daibhidcSo, apparently, now that I've started this, I'm going to keep thinking them up even if no-one's made any requests...
Rincewind
Wild West
“Well, now, stranger,” drawled “Red” Ipslore, “You got ‘til sundown to get out of town or else…”
The stranger was out of the saloon and half way down Main Street before Ipslore could finish the sentence. In fact, he’d probably have started moving before Ipslore had started the sentence, if he hadn’t paused to grab the absurd ten-gallon hat with COWWBOY stencilled on it.
Cyberpunk
DekkWizzard7a might not have been the most skilled netrunner in the Sprawl, and he definitely wasn’t the bravest, but at least he was lucky enough to live in a time and place that thought misspellings were cool. Sorry, kewl.
Shapeshifters
In the end, Rincewind decided, the only thing you could do was consult an expert. In this case, Captain Angua of the Watch.
“Lycanthropy’s more complicated than people think,” she explained, “It’s all down to – what do you wizards call them – morphic fields?”
“I didn’t know that,” admitted Rincewind, “I thought if you got bitten by a werewolf, you turned into a wolf, simple as that.”
“But you don’t think like a wolf. In fact, it’d be hard to find someone who thinks less like a wolf. So your morphic field won’t let you become a wolf.”
“And that’s why, every full moon since the incident, I turn into a hare?”
“Of course. A hare basically packs as much speed as possible into its frame in order to escape from predators. Can you think of anything more appropriate?”
He had to admit he couldn’t.
Pirates
“Captain Rincewind is one of the cleverest sailors I’ve ever met,” said Twoflower.
Captain Herrena looked at the hostage tied to the mast of the Harridan as though she, personally, doubted this. Her own encounter with the master of the Sea Wizzard had not suggested the man possessed any intelligence at all.
“Oh, yes. He’s a master at rigging the sails to move as quickly as possible in whatever direction he wants. Although,” Twoflower frowned slightly, “It’s never the direction I’d expect a pirate captain to go in.”
…In SPACE!!
“Captain,” the communications officer of the Klingon vessel reported, “We are receiving a communication from the unidentified vessel. It appears to be in Federation Standard.”
“The Federation? Are they challenging us? Is it,” the captain’s face twisted in distaste, “a surrender?”
“I’m not sure. According to the universal translator, it’s a looped message that says ‘Oh excrement, oh excrement, oh excrement, I am about to die.’”
The captain’s expression of disgust deepened. “Send a reply and let them know that today is a good day for it.”
Born Another Gender
“You see, Miss Rincewind, you’ve put us in a very difficult position.”
“Yes, Archchancellor,” mumbled Rincewind.
“I’m not saying you’re the first girl to enter Unseen University under a false beard. It’s not something we approve of, but we’ve been known to look the other way.”
“Really, Archchancellor?”
The Archchancellor sighed. “The trouble is that, up until now, they’ve all had some kind of magical ability. You’re the first girl we’ve had whose presence actually supports the principle that women can’t be wizards.”
Schoolfic
“So you volunteered to show me round the school?” asked the exchange student.
“Yes,” said Rincewind doubtfully. He didn’t remember volunteering, but the headmaster seemed to think he had, and you didn’t argue with Mr Vetinari. Anyway, it got him out of PE, so that was something. Mr Cohen wasn’t a bad teacher, but he did seem to have difficulty understanding that rugby wasn’t something Rincewind would ever be good at. He’d be in the PE teacher’s bad books permanently if he wasn’t so good at track events.
In any case, he was apparently looking after this Twoflower kid. He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to be showing him. The best hiding places from the school bullies (which, in Rincewind’s mind, was just about everyone) maybe?
Police/Firefighters
“Don’t take this the wrong way,” said Crew Manager Ridcully, “but I’ve never understood why a terrible coward would decide to become a fireman in the first place.”
“Are you serious?” Rincewind asked, “If a fire breaks out, I’m in special clothing, a helmet, carrying a hose, and surrounded by highly trained professional firefighters! I’d be mad not to be a fireman!”
“There’s logic there,” Ridcully admitted, “Of a sort.”
Urban Fantasy
“You see,” the strange man with the ragged beard and the trenchcoat explained, “The world you are familiar with is but a skin. Stranger things than you can imagine lurk beneath it. All the folklore and fairy tales you’ve heard are true. I myself,” he coughed slightly, “am a wizard.”
The person he was talking to was sceptical, but her recent experiences, coupled with the intensity of the man’s manner, had her almost believing. “Could you … show me some magic?”
“Well, no. Not as such. But just because I can’t do magic, that doesn’t mean I’m not a wizard!”
“Right, fine. Look, here’s a fiver, get yourself a meal or something.” And she walked off muttering “‘This world is but a skin’, indeed!”
“There are times,” Rincewind commented to the figure beside him, who the woman hadn’t seen at all, “when I wonder if I’m entirely the best person for this role.”
Perhaps not, agreed his companion.
Steampunk
“But I don’t understand, Mr Rincewind,” said Thursley. “Why did we have to book passage on this vessel so quickly?”
Rincewind looked up from the large brandy he’d ordered in the zeppelin’s lounge. “Because of the men with guns,” he said, patiently, “And the men with swords. And the men with big steam-powered walking machines. With guns. And swords, which to my mind is rather overkill.” He winced at his own choice of words.
“You don’t think we could, perhaps, have explained things to them?”
“Of course. We shall do so by telegram. From somewhere else.”
“Do we at least know where this dirigible is headed?”
“As I’ve observed before, Thursley, all one need worry about is where a vehicle is departing from, to wit: the location of the people who wish to kill one. Its destination is immaterial.”
Thursley was about to reply to this when a voice from the doorway of the lounge cried “It is him!” He looked up to see that the diabolical Professor Astfgl had somehow taken berth on the same airship.
“Because,” Rincewind concluded, “one never arrives there anyway. To the emergency ornithopters!”
“I thought you said going in one of those was certain death?”
“Indeed. But in the current circumstances, not going in one would be even more certain death. Hurry, lad!”
Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy
Wild West
“Evenin’, Miss Piggy,” Sheriff Kermit said, as he and Deputy Fozzie passed the saloon.
“Bonsoir, ma shérif,” the saloon owner replied.
“I don’t know why,” Kermit commented to the deputy, “But I keep thinking it would make more sense if she were a cat.”
Cyberpunk
Mz Piggy didn’t usually deal directly with clients, but with Kermit still plugged into his cyberdeck, it looked like she was doing the talking. “So, how can moi help you?” she asked.
“The word is that this guy is Frogface1, one of the best netroamers in Blight City.”
Piggy scoffed, “One of the best? Try the best! Kermie has a vision of a world where everyone’s laughing and happy, and he has the skills to hack into every megacorp in this miserable town to make it happen!”
“That’s what we thought. Sam Eagle, Serious Police. I’m shutting this frog down.”
Oops! “If you know so much about Kermie, presumably you’ve also heard about his bodyguard? Concealed armourskin, impact gloves, brainchipped with karate skills to black belt level?”
“Well, yes. But I don’t see him around just now, do you?”
“Apparently, you haven’t heard everything about this bodyguard…”
Shapeshifters
Princess Piggy stretched up and kissed the handsome prince who had won her heart. There was a puff of smoke, and he vanished. In his place was a frog.
“Okay,” he said, “I should probably explain. There was this evil witch, you see…”
Pirates
Well, that’s just Muppet Treasure Island.
…In SPACE!!
Well, that’s just Pigs... oh, all right...
Once Miss Piggy had realised the crew of the Righteous Indignation were holding her Kermie prisoner, she had become somewhat upset. Kermit left the brig and carefully stepped over the unconscious figure of a four-armed duck.
“You don’t think it would have been simpler to explain to Captain O’Hare that I’m not actually a toad?” he asked.
“You tried that and he didn’t listen,” Piggy reminded him, “Trust me, this was more effective.”
Born Another Gender
“Hey, boss lady, we’ve got a problem,” said Scooter.
Kermia, the harried producer of Up Late with Mr Pig! sighed. “Don’t we always?” she asked, “What is it now?”
“You remember we booked Arnold Schwarzenegger? Well, you know how Mr Pig needs to be the most macho guy in the room…”
“Oh, no.”
“Yeah, the gym just called. Apparently he’s sprained something. They’ve called an ambulance.”
“Sheesh. Okay, you start working out if we can get a live feed from the hospital or something, I’ll phone Denise and tell her I’m missing our date. Again.”
Schoolfic
“Oh, Kermie?”
Kermit turned from his locker at the sound of his sort-of-girlfriend’s voice. “Hi-ho, Piggy. Did you want something?”
“Well, I’m arranging a little protest demonstration at the football game tomorrow, and since you’re so good at organising things, I wondered if you’d like to help?”
Kermit looked puzzled. He knew Henson High was playing Sesame School the following day, but he hadn’t heard about a demonstration. And that sort of activism didn’t really seem like Piggy’s thing. “Why are you demoing the football game?”
Her voice hardened. “It’s called a pigskin. You figure it out.”
“Uh, right. Well, in that case I’d be glad to. Especially if you help me with something similar in the biology lab…”
Police/Firefighters
When the fire engine returned to the station, Piggy was the first one to climb out. She had been closest to the blaze, and she looked it.
If you will excuse moi,” she told Station Manager the Frog, “I need a shower.”
“Uh, check,” Kermit looked into the engine and realised the rest of the crew were unconscious. “So what happened to them?”
“They looked like they were about to say something starting with the words ‘smoked’ or ‘smoky’. I explained that that would be a bad idea.”
Urban Fantasy
Piggy and Kermit, Investigators of the Strange, arrived at the address they’d been given to find a shaken-looking man waiting outside.
“I’ve never believed in spirits or anything like that,” he told them, “but I was hearing a strange noise coming from the hall cupboard. I looked and there was a crack in the wall. It led to a vast cavern that couldn’t possibly have been there, like it was a portal to another dimension or something. And there were all these strange creatures, singing to unearthly music that seemed to be generated out of nowhere!” He shuddered.
The two investigators exchanged glances.
“That just sounds like Fraggles,” said Piggy, “Let me know if something weird happens.”
Steampunk
“Good evening, and welcome to the Muppet Music Hall! And I welcome both our audience here and those viewing tonight’s entertainment through the zoetropic transmissions provided by Lord Louis Grade and his Associated Televisual Company…”
As the amphibian impresario ran through his spiel, there was a crisis backstage. Mlle Piggy, the Porcine Passerine, had noticed that she appeared on the playbill after “The Death-Defying Great Gonzo and his Velocipede of Death”. Her pianist took a more philosophical view.
“You’re still above ‘The Comic Observations of Mr Fozworth Bear’,” he pointed out.
She gave him a look. “Well, who wouldn’t be?”
Del Trotter
Wild West
The town of Peckam Creek was just the kind of place Del "the Kid" Trotter, of the Trotter Medicine and Trading Company, liked. A quiet place with nice, friendly, and extremely gullible townsfolk. Of course, they'd become a lot less friendly towards the end of his time there, which is why he'd asked his brother to get two extremely fast horses.
Which had just died, less than a mile from the town. "Rodney, where exactly did you get these horses?"
"From the livery stable, like you said. I told him I wanted the fastest horses he had, and he sold me these and said they were exactly what we needed. Then he gave a weird laugh."
Del thought back. "This livery stable owner. Tall, dark hair, has a moustache?"
"Yeah, that's him. Why?"
"Because he appears to be leading the posse heading straight towards us, you galloot!"
Cyberpunk
"You see, Mr Trotter, there's an irregularity in your VirtBay account. It turns out all the satisfied customers who've left comments don't actually exist. They've all been traced back to a single cyberspace address: Rodderz@ – and here's a coincidence – TrotterIndependentTraders. You wouldn't know anything about that, would you?"
Del looked genuinely outraged at the suggestion. "This is the megacorps discriminating against the small businessman again!"
"Well, of course it is, Mr Trotter," said Agent Slater, "But in your case, you're actually doing something illegal as well."
Shapeshifters
“Can I have a volunteer? That’s right, madam, step right up, and I’ll show everyone what this beauty cream can do! Here, just take a good dollop, rub it on, and let them marvel at the effects!”
“Derek,” hissed Raquel, “I thought the point of my getting the ability to change my face was to help with my acting career?”
“Course it was, my darlin’. And you won’t find better acting experience than convincing this lot that you’re an old dear with disappearing wrinkles.”
Pirates
Losing the haul of diamonds to Commodore Slater had been unfortunate. Losing the ship had been a disaster, but Captain Trotter reflected that at least they had escaped with their lives. Although he was beginning to wish his younger brother, the cabin boy, hadn't.
"Will you please stop this ridiculous theory of yours? I'm this close to keel-hauling you."
"I'm telling you, Derek..."
"Captain."
"I'm telling you, Captain, that's the third ship we've lost, and it's all since he joined the crew!"
"He's our uncle and an experienced sailor, Rodney. He is not a jinx."
...In SPACE!!
The free trader Peckham's Son hung dead in space. Its two-man crew were arguing, as usual.
"What kind of chief engineer are you, anyway, Rodney?"
"I never asked to be chief engineer, Del. I never said I knew how to be chief engineer. Two GCSEs and a certificate in computing does not make me a chief engineer!"
"That's your problem, Rodney, you've got no faith in yourself!"
"One of the GCSEs is in art! If you want, I'm qualified to paint the ship. I've always said a bright yellow hull makes us too easy for ex-customers to find."
Born Another Gender
Delia Trotter had had a difficult life. Her father had left the family shortly after her baby brother was born. Her Mum had died a few years after that. She'd managed to make a life for herself and Rodney, but she'd never been able to shake the feeling she was the reason her dad had left. Mostly because that's what he'd said when he walked out the door. It didn't matter what she did, he'd never been proud of her.
Maybe it would have been different if she'd been a boy. Or maybe Reg Trotter was just a complete bastard.
Schoolfic
“Denzil,” called Del, “Just the bloke I was looking for.”
“Whatever it is, Delboy, I’m not interested,” Denzil replied, backing away through the corridor.
“What do you mean, you’re not interested?”
“In whatever you’re selling, whatever scheme you need help with, whatever it is. I’ve lost enough pocket money and got into enough trouble with the teachers thanks to you. I’m. Not. Interested.”
“Nah, Denzil, you’ve got it all wrong. Me and Trig and Boycie are going down the arcade after school, that’s all, and I thought of you.”
“Oh. Well, cheers, Del. I’d be glad to come.”
“Oh, right. No, the thing is, Mum’s working late tonight and someone needs to look after little Rodney. There’s good money in in, Denzil!”
“Yeah, see you, Del.”
Police/Firefighters
Sometimes DI Trotter reflected on how easily he might have grown up to be a petty criminal. He wondered if it would have been less stressful. Maybe he wouldn't have gone grey so quickly.
Of course, petty criminals need to be able to disappear into the crowd, so he probably wouldn't have grown this distinctive moustache.
Urban Fantasy
"Oh, bleeding Nora!" Del shouted.
Rodney came running into the kitchen to find Del staring at the kitchen sink
"You remember I got a job lot of 'lucky stones' from your mate Harris? Well, they're only actually magical!"
"Del, have you been at the sangria again?"
"No, straight up. I left one on the draining board, and when I came back, the dishes were all done. I didn't do them, you didn't do them, and obviously Uncle Albert didn't do them."
"Right. So what's the problem?"
"How am I meant to sell them now? If I go down the market and tell people about this, I'll be laughed out of town!"
Steampunk
Derek Trotter dragged a large machine of uncertain origin into the tumbledown house at Cecil Rhodes Court. From the apparent weight of the device, his brother Rodney wondered what state it had left their tri-wheeled steam carriage in.
"What have you bought now, Derek?" he asked.
"It's a difference engine," Derek explained, "I got it cheap off a cove who knapped it from the college when they got their new analytical engine. Ten pounds and six shillings!"
Rodney was aghast, "You spent ten pounds on this bobbins?"
"It's not bobbins, you lob. You turn these gears to the sum you want, see, and it tells you the answer."
The boys' grandfather looked perplexed, "How does a bunch of gears know how to do sums?" he asked.
"Well, I don't know, do I?" retorted Derek. "You'd need to ask Charles Babbles about that."
Rincewind
Wild West
“Well, now, stranger,” drawled “Red” Ipslore, “You got ‘til sundown to get out of town or else…”
The stranger was out of the saloon and half way down Main Street before Ipslore could finish the sentence. In fact, he’d probably have started moving before Ipslore had started the sentence, if he hadn’t paused to grab the absurd ten-gallon hat with COWWBOY stencilled on it.
Cyberpunk
DekkWizzard7a might not have been the most skilled netrunner in the Sprawl, and he definitely wasn’t the bravest, but at least he was lucky enough to live in a time and place that thought misspellings were cool. Sorry, kewl.
Shapeshifters
In the end, Rincewind decided, the only thing you could do was consult an expert. In this case, Captain Angua of the Watch.
“Lycanthropy’s more complicated than people think,” she explained, “It’s all down to – what do you wizards call them – morphic fields?”
“I didn’t know that,” admitted Rincewind, “I thought if you got bitten by a werewolf, you turned into a wolf, simple as that.”
“But you don’t think like a wolf. In fact, it’d be hard to find someone who thinks less like a wolf. So your morphic field won’t let you become a wolf.”
“And that’s why, every full moon since the incident, I turn into a hare?”
“Of course. A hare basically packs as much speed as possible into its frame in order to escape from predators. Can you think of anything more appropriate?”
He had to admit he couldn’t.
Pirates
“Captain Rincewind is one of the cleverest sailors I’ve ever met,” said Twoflower.
Captain Herrena looked at the hostage tied to the mast of the Harridan as though she, personally, doubted this. Her own encounter with the master of the Sea Wizzard had not suggested the man possessed any intelligence at all.
“Oh, yes. He’s a master at rigging the sails to move as quickly as possible in whatever direction he wants. Although,” Twoflower frowned slightly, “It’s never the direction I’d expect a pirate captain to go in.”
…In SPACE!!
“Captain,” the communications officer of the Klingon vessel reported, “We are receiving a communication from the unidentified vessel. It appears to be in Federation Standard.”
“The Federation? Are they challenging us? Is it,” the captain’s face twisted in distaste, “a surrender?”
“I’m not sure. According to the universal translator, it’s a looped message that says ‘Oh excrement, oh excrement, oh excrement, I am about to die.’”
The captain’s expression of disgust deepened. “Send a reply and let them know that today is a good day for it.”
Born Another Gender
“You see, Miss Rincewind, you’ve put us in a very difficult position.”
“Yes, Archchancellor,” mumbled Rincewind.
“I’m not saying you’re the first girl to enter Unseen University under a false beard. It’s not something we approve of, but we’ve been known to look the other way.”
“Really, Archchancellor?”
The Archchancellor sighed. “The trouble is that, up until now, they’ve all had some kind of magical ability. You’re the first girl we’ve had whose presence actually supports the principle that women can’t be wizards.”
Schoolfic
“So you volunteered to show me round the school?” asked the exchange student.
“Yes,” said Rincewind doubtfully. He didn’t remember volunteering, but the headmaster seemed to think he had, and you didn’t argue with Mr Vetinari. Anyway, it got him out of PE, so that was something. Mr Cohen wasn’t a bad teacher, but he did seem to have difficulty understanding that rugby wasn’t something Rincewind would ever be good at. He’d be in the PE teacher’s bad books permanently if he wasn’t so good at track events.
In any case, he was apparently looking after this Twoflower kid. He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to be showing him. The best hiding places from the school bullies (which, in Rincewind’s mind, was just about everyone) maybe?
Police/Firefighters
“Don’t take this the wrong way,” said Crew Manager Ridcully, “but I’ve never understood why a terrible coward would decide to become a fireman in the first place.”
“Are you serious?” Rincewind asked, “If a fire breaks out, I’m in special clothing, a helmet, carrying a hose, and surrounded by highly trained professional firefighters! I’d be mad not to be a fireman!”
“There’s logic there,” Ridcully admitted, “Of a sort.”
Urban Fantasy
“You see,” the strange man with the ragged beard and the trenchcoat explained, “The world you are familiar with is but a skin. Stranger things than you can imagine lurk beneath it. All the folklore and fairy tales you’ve heard are true. I myself,” he coughed slightly, “am a wizard.”
The person he was talking to was sceptical, but her recent experiences, coupled with the intensity of the man’s manner, had her almost believing. “Could you … show me some magic?”
“Well, no. Not as such. But just because I can’t do magic, that doesn’t mean I’m not a wizard!”
“Right, fine. Look, here’s a fiver, get yourself a meal or something.” And she walked off muttering “‘This world is but a skin’, indeed!”
“There are times,” Rincewind commented to the figure beside him, who the woman hadn’t seen at all, “when I wonder if I’m entirely the best person for this role.”
Perhaps not, agreed his companion.
Steampunk
“But I don’t understand, Mr Rincewind,” said Thursley. “Why did we have to book passage on this vessel so quickly?”
Rincewind looked up from the large brandy he’d ordered in the zeppelin’s lounge. “Because of the men with guns,” he said, patiently, “And the men with swords. And the men with big steam-powered walking machines. With guns. And swords, which to my mind is rather overkill.” He winced at his own choice of words.
“You don’t think we could, perhaps, have explained things to them?”
“Of course. We shall do so by telegram. From somewhere else.”
“Do we at least know where this dirigible is headed?”
“As I’ve observed before, Thursley, all one need worry about is where a vehicle is departing from, to wit: the location of the people who wish to kill one. Its destination is immaterial.”
Thursley was about to reply to this when a voice from the doorway of the lounge cried “It is him!” He looked up to see that the diabolical Professor Astfgl had somehow taken berth on the same airship.
“Because,” Rincewind concluded, “one never arrives there anyway. To the emergency ornithopters!”
“I thought you said going in one of those was certain death?”
“Indeed. But in the current circumstances, not going in one would be even more certain death. Hurry, lad!”
Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy
Wild West
“Evenin’, Miss Piggy,” Sheriff Kermit said, as he and Deputy Fozzie passed the saloon.
“Bonsoir, ma shérif,” the saloon owner replied.
“I don’t know why,” Kermit commented to the deputy, “But I keep thinking it would make more sense if she were a cat.”
Cyberpunk
Mz Piggy didn’t usually deal directly with clients, but with Kermit still plugged into his cyberdeck, it looked like she was doing the talking. “So, how can moi help you?” she asked.
“The word is that this guy is Frogface1, one of the best netroamers in Blight City.”
Piggy scoffed, “One of the best? Try the best! Kermie has a vision of a world where everyone’s laughing and happy, and he has the skills to hack into every megacorp in this miserable town to make it happen!”
“That’s what we thought. Sam Eagle, Serious Police. I’m shutting this frog down.”
Oops! “If you know so much about Kermie, presumably you’ve also heard about his bodyguard? Concealed armourskin, impact gloves, brainchipped with karate skills to black belt level?”
“Well, yes. But I don’t see him around just now, do you?”
“Apparently, you haven’t heard everything about this bodyguard…”
Shapeshifters
Princess Piggy stretched up and kissed the handsome prince who had won her heart. There was a puff of smoke, and he vanished. In his place was a frog.
“Okay,” he said, “I should probably explain. There was this evil witch, you see…”
Pirates
Well, that’s just Muppet Treasure Island.
…In SPACE!!
Well, that’s just Pigs... oh, all right...
Once Miss Piggy had realised the crew of the Righteous Indignation were holding her Kermie prisoner, she had become somewhat upset. Kermit left the brig and carefully stepped over the unconscious figure of a four-armed duck.
“You don’t think it would have been simpler to explain to Captain O’Hare that I’m not actually a toad?” he asked.
“You tried that and he didn’t listen,” Piggy reminded him, “Trust me, this was more effective.”
Born Another Gender
“Hey, boss lady, we’ve got a problem,” said Scooter.
Kermia, the harried producer of Up Late with Mr Pig! sighed. “Don’t we always?” she asked, “What is it now?”
“You remember we booked Arnold Schwarzenegger? Well, you know how Mr Pig needs to be the most macho guy in the room…”
“Oh, no.”
“Yeah, the gym just called. Apparently he’s sprained something. They’ve called an ambulance.”
“Sheesh. Okay, you start working out if we can get a live feed from the hospital or something, I’ll phone Denise and tell her I’m missing our date. Again.”
Schoolfic
“Oh, Kermie?”
Kermit turned from his locker at the sound of his sort-of-girlfriend’s voice. “Hi-ho, Piggy. Did you want something?”
“Well, I’m arranging a little protest demonstration at the football game tomorrow, and since you’re so good at organising things, I wondered if you’d like to help?”
Kermit looked puzzled. He knew Henson High was playing Sesame School the following day, but he hadn’t heard about a demonstration. And that sort of activism didn’t really seem like Piggy’s thing. “Why are you demoing the football game?”
Her voice hardened. “It’s called a pigskin. You figure it out.”
“Uh, right. Well, in that case I’d be glad to. Especially if you help me with something similar in the biology lab…”
Police/Firefighters
When the fire engine returned to the station, Piggy was the first one to climb out. She had been closest to the blaze, and she looked it.
If you will excuse moi,” she told Station Manager the Frog, “I need a shower.”
“Uh, check,” Kermit looked into the engine and realised the rest of the crew were unconscious. “So what happened to them?”
“They looked like they were about to say something starting with the words ‘smoked’ or ‘smoky’. I explained that that would be a bad idea.”
Urban Fantasy
Piggy and Kermit, Investigators of the Strange, arrived at the address they’d been given to find a shaken-looking man waiting outside.
“I’ve never believed in spirits or anything like that,” he told them, “but I was hearing a strange noise coming from the hall cupboard. I looked and there was a crack in the wall. It led to a vast cavern that couldn’t possibly have been there, like it was a portal to another dimension or something. And there were all these strange creatures, singing to unearthly music that seemed to be generated out of nowhere!” He shuddered.
The two investigators exchanged glances.
“That just sounds like Fraggles,” said Piggy, “Let me know if something weird happens.”
Steampunk
“Good evening, and welcome to the Muppet Music Hall! And I welcome both our audience here and those viewing tonight’s entertainment through the zoetropic transmissions provided by Lord Louis Grade and his Associated Televisual Company…”
As the amphibian impresario ran through his spiel, there was a crisis backstage. Mlle Piggy, the Porcine Passerine, had noticed that she appeared on the playbill after “The Death-Defying Great Gonzo and his Velocipede of Death”. Her pianist took a more philosophical view.
“You’re still above ‘The Comic Observations of Mr Fozworth Bear’,” he pointed out.
She gave him a look. “Well, who wouldn’t be?”
Del Trotter
Wild West
The town of Peckam Creek was just the kind of place Del "the Kid" Trotter, of the Trotter Medicine and Trading Company, liked. A quiet place with nice, friendly, and extremely gullible townsfolk. Of course, they'd become a lot less friendly towards the end of his time there, which is why he'd asked his brother to get two extremely fast horses.
Which had just died, less than a mile from the town. "Rodney, where exactly did you get these horses?"
"From the livery stable, like you said. I told him I wanted the fastest horses he had, and he sold me these and said they were exactly what we needed. Then he gave a weird laugh."
Del thought back. "This livery stable owner. Tall, dark hair, has a moustache?"
"Yeah, that's him. Why?"
"Because he appears to be leading the posse heading straight towards us, you galloot!"
Cyberpunk
"You see, Mr Trotter, there's an irregularity in your VirtBay account. It turns out all the satisfied customers who've left comments don't actually exist. They've all been traced back to a single cyberspace address: Rodderz@ – and here's a coincidence – TrotterIndependentTraders. You wouldn't know anything about that, would you?"
Del looked genuinely outraged at the suggestion. "This is the megacorps discriminating against the small businessman again!"
"Well, of course it is, Mr Trotter," said Agent Slater, "But in your case, you're actually doing something illegal as well."
Shapeshifters
“Can I have a volunteer? That’s right, madam, step right up, and I’ll show everyone what this beauty cream can do! Here, just take a good dollop, rub it on, and let them marvel at the effects!”
“Derek,” hissed Raquel, “I thought the point of my getting the ability to change my face was to help with my acting career?”
“Course it was, my darlin’. And you won’t find better acting experience than convincing this lot that you’re an old dear with disappearing wrinkles.”
Pirates
Losing the haul of diamonds to Commodore Slater had been unfortunate. Losing the ship had been a disaster, but Captain Trotter reflected that at least they had escaped with their lives. Although he was beginning to wish his younger brother, the cabin boy, hadn't.
"Will you please stop this ridiculous theory of yours? I'm this close to keel-hauling you."
"I'm telling you, Derek..."
"Captain."
"I'm telling you, Captain, that's the third ship we've lost, and it's all since he joined the crew!"
"He's our uncle and an experienced sailor, Rodney. He is not a jinx."
...In SPACE!!
The free trader Peckham's Son hung dead in space. Its two-man crew were arguing, as usual.
"What kind of chief engineer are you, anyway, Rodney?"
"I never asked to be chief engineer, Del. I never said I knew how to be chief engineer. Two GCSEs and a certificate in computing does not make me a chief engineer!"
"That's your problem, Rodney, you've got no faith in yourself!"
"One of the GCSEs is in art! If you want, I'm qualified to paint the ship. I've always said a bright yellow hull makes us too easy for ex-customers to find."
Born Another Gender
Delia Trotter had had a difficult life. Her father had left the family shortly after her baby brother was born. Her Mum had died a few years after that. She'd managed to make a life for herself and Rodney, but she'd never been able to shake the feeling she was the reason her dad had left. Mostly because that's what he'd said when he walked out the door. It didn't matter what she did, he'd never been proud of her.
Maybe it would have been different if she'd been a boy. Or maybe Reg Trotter was just a complete bastard.
Schoolfic
“Denzil,” called Del, “Just the bloke I was looking for.”
“Whatever it is, Delboy, I’m not interested,” Denzil replied, backing away through the corridor.
“What do you mean, you’re not interested?”
“In whatever you’re selling, whatever scheme you need help with, whatever it is. I’ve lost enough pocket money and got into enough trouble with the teachers thanks to you. I’m. Not. Interested.”
“Nah, Denzil, you’ve got it all wrong. Me and Trig and Boycie are going down the arcade after school, that’s all, and I thought of you.”
“Oh. Well, cheers, Del. I’d be glad to come.”
“Oh, right. No, the thing is, Mum’s working late tonight and someone needs to look after little Rodney. There’s good money in in, Denzil!”
“Yeah, see you, Del.”
Police/Firefighters
Sometimes DI Trotter reflected on how easily he might have grown up to be a petty criminal. He wondered if it would have been less stressful. Maybe he wouldn't have gone grey so quickly.
Of course, petty criminals need to be able to disappear into the crowd, so he probably wouldn't have grown this distinctive moustache.
Urban Fantasy
"Oh, bleeding Nora!" Del shouted.
Rodney came running into the kitchen to find Del staring at the kitchen sink
"You remember I got a job lot of 'lucky stones' from your mate Harris? Well, they're only actually magical!"
"Del, have you been at the sangria again?"
"No, straight up. I left one on the draining board, and when I came back, the dishes were all done. I didn't do them, you didn't do them, and obviously Uncle Albert didn't do them."
"Right. So what's the problem?"
"How am I meant to sell them now? If I go down the market and tell people about this, I'll be laughed out of town!"
Steampunk
Derek Trotter dragged a large machine of uncertain origin into the tumbledown house at Cecil Rhodes Court. From the apparent weight of the device, his brother Rodney wondered what state it had left their tri-wheeled steam carriage in.
"What have you bought now, Derek?" he asked.
"It's a difference engine," Derek explained, "I got it cheap off a cove who knapped it from the college when they got their new analytical engine. Ten pounds and six shillings!"
Rodney was aghast, "You spent ten pounds on this bobbins?"
"It's not bobbins, you lob. You turn these gears to the sum you want, see, and it tells you the answer."
The boys' grandfather looked perplexed, "How does a bunch of gears know how to do sums?" he asked.
"Well, I don't know, do I?" retorted Derek. "You'd need to ask Charles Babbles about that."
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2016-02-13 02:49 pm (UTC)You can also have Knock Out from Transformers: Prime meets Kitt from Knight Rider. Or Optimus Prime has to help Penelope Pitstop in Wacky Races after damaging her car.
Any use, inspiration-wise?
no subject
Date: 2016-02-13 03:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-02-13 03:54 pm (UTC)I'd suggest an AU, but pretty much all of my fandom have done all of those in canon somewhere along the lines. Sorry again. Wait, hang on. The Navy Lark...In Space? Any good?
no subject
Date: 2016-02-13 05:38 pm (UTC)I'm afraid I'm not that familiar with The Navy Lark. I could do the Goon Show, but again, AU Goon Show is kind of what they do anyway...
(But I'm genuinely thinking about the Quantum Lancre crossover now...)
no subject
Date: 2016-02-13 06:07 pm (UTC)How do you feel about Due South and Constable Fraser?
no subject
Date: 2016-02-13 07:23 pm (UTC)