AU Writing Meme: Volume III
Feb. 14th, 2016 12:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
daibhidcBenton Fraser (for ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
rhiannon_s)
Wild West
“I’ve been tracking this outlaw from the Yukon,” the stranger in the Canadian Northwest Mounted Police uniform said, “And I know he ended up in this town.”
“Maybe,” said Sheriff Vecchio, “But I’m the law in these parts.”
“Excellent. I’ll need you to fill in all these forms confirming that this is an authorised cross-border operation with joint responsibility and full accountability…”
“Okay, stranger, when I said I was the law, I was trying to convey that there ain’t really any law here except what I say there is.”
The Mountie looked perplexed, “Does that mean you don’t want the forms?”
Cyberpunk
It had been another long day for Ray Vecchio of the Midwestern Zone Peacekeepers. And, as ever, he was taking it out on the boss.
“Look, chief, I don’t know what they do to their officers in the Northern Zones, but you could replace that guy with a droid programmed with nothing but protocols, and it’d be hard to tell the difference! I think that K900 cyberwolf of his has more imagination than him!”
“Sorry, Vecchio, but you’re stuck with him.”
“Listen to me, chief! I’ve just crashed another 2042 Buick skycruiser thanks to him! The guy’s a menace!”
Shapeshifers
Ray was surprised to see another Mountie sitting at Fraser’s desk. Fraser himself was on the other side of it, talking to the guy in sign language.
“Full moon last night,” Fraser said, as if that explained everything. When it became apparent from Ray’s expression that it didn’t, he added “You didn’t really think Diefenbaker was just a wolf, did you?”
Pirates
“Captain! There’s a Royal Navy sloop heading towards us! It’s the HMS Halifax! I told you returning to Canadian waters was a mistake!”
“Don’t worry about the Halifax,” smiled Captain Victoria Metcalf, “I know exactly how to deal with that ship. Or at least, with her captain.”
…In SPACE!!
Jabba roared in Huttese. “You have no authority to arrest me,” his translator droid said emotionlessly, “What are you even doing on this planet?”
“I first came to Tatooine on the trail of the killers of my father,” the Jedi explained, “And, for reasons that don’t need exploring at this juncture, I have remained, attached as liaison to the Hoth Consulate.”
Behind him, the Force ghost of Bob Fraser shook his head. “You don’t need to say it every time, son.”
Born Another Gender
“You’re giving the assignment to Constable Turnbull, sir? Might I ask why?”
Inspector Thatcher sighed. “Look, Constable Fraser … Alberta. I know how difficult it is to be a woman in this job. And that’s exactly why I can’t look like I’m favouring you. You got the last one, he gets this one.”
“I understand, sir.” She wanted to say more, express her solidarity with her superior, but she had a feeling it might be misunderstood.
Schoolfic
“So you’re a transfer student from Canada, Benny? It must be pretty different, huh?”
The new kid nodded briefly, “It’s Benton. And there are a few adjustments to be made, yes.”
“Like the school uniform,” said Ray, “Or rather, the lack of one. You keep coming to a Chicago public school in a tie and a blazer with a maple leaf badge, the other kids are gonna give you a hard time.” He didn’t mention that he’d heard two seniors, Huey and Dewey, making fun of the kid already.
Benton thought about this for a moment, “I don’t see how that would be a productive use of their school time. And worrying about it wouldn’t be a productive use of mine.”
“Okay, Benny, you definitely need a friend to keep an eye on you, and I guess I’m volunteering for the gig.”
Benton didn’t seem to know what to say to that. Eventually he managed “Thank you kindly, Ray.”
“Sure, whatever.”
Police/Firefighters
I think I get a pass on this one…
Urban Fantasy
Ray entered police headquarters and immediately froze in his tracks. “Hey, what is this?”
“As I suspected,” said Fraser, “You are unable to leave the salt circle I placed, which confirms my previous suspicions that you are not Ray Vecchio, but some manner of changeling who has taken his place for reasons unknown and glamoured the police department and his sister into not noticing any discrepancies.”
Kowalski sighed and returned to his true form. “Nice going, Constable. But you were glamoured as well. In fact, more than anyone. How did you break it?”
“I didn’t. However, you neglected to glamour Dief, and he quickly alerted me to the situation.”
“I knew that dog was barking too much.”
Steampunk
The pursuit of the suspects had taken Constable Fraser and Detective Vecchio back to Canada. Specifically, to Toronto, where they had liaised with the detective at Station House 5. Much to the surprise of Vecchio, who had not previously realised Canada had police forces besides the Mounties.
“And this,” the Canadian detective explained, “is an invention of my own, the ultraviolet lightbox. With it, we can find clues that would be invisible to the naked eye.”
“Indeed,” replied Fraser, “Although I’ve found a thorough knowledge of the various scents and tastes one might encounter can make up for any deficiencies in vision.”
“Indeed. However, no matter how sensitive one’s senses are, there is always the possibility key evidence may lie beyond them.”
“Indeed.”
“Indeed.”
Vecchio was ready to explode from impatience.
Ford Prefect (forrhiannon_s)
Wild West
“We don’t get many strangers at the Pink Dog Saloon,” the tough looking hombre growled.
“Really?” asked Ford, looking around, “I can’t imagine why not. Very … atmospheric.” He moseyed up to the bar. “Anything that has more alcohol than is probably wise,” he ordered.
Between his accent and his clothing – a derby hat and a somewhat mismatched three-piece suit, just a little wider and louder than the fashions back east – the regulars had the newcomer pegged as a dude. And if there was one thing they hated more than strangers, it was greenhorn strangers.
“Gonna need to see your money first,” said the bartender, without looking up.
“Ah. Okay, I don’t exactly have much cash at the moment. But I’m good for it, just as soon as my latest assignment comes through…”
“You know what we do to strangers who can’t pay their way?”
“Well, no,” admitted Ford, “In fact, I suspect most people don’t. Would you like them to?”
“Huh?”
Very carefully, so everyone could see he wasn’t pulling a gun or a knife, Ford reached into the pocket of his checked waistcoat and produced two items. One was a battered copy of a dime novel. The other was a card reading:
F. PREFECT
-WRITER-
ZANE ZARNIWOOP’S WESTERN WEEKLY
H2 PUBLISHERS, NEW YORK
“If you want people to know how dangerous this place is, let’s talk.”
Cyberpunk
“It’s called The Netrunner’s Guide to Cyberspace”, Ford explained, “It’s an up-to-the-femtosecond, constantly updating wikistream of all the cybernodes in the datasphere.”
“Gosh,” said Arthur, “What does it say about the Anglorealm?” He called it up.
“One word? England’s entire data footprint, thousands of nodes, summed up in one word?”
Ford blinked. “There,” he said, “I’ve increased the amount of memory the Guide has assigned to the Anglorealm by nearly 100%. Can’t say fairer than that.”
Shapeshifters
“Ford,” said Arthur, “Has the Infinite Improbability thing been switched back on?”
Ford looked over to where Zaphod and Trillian were arguing with Eddie. “Don’t think so,” he said.
“Then I can only assume that you really are turning into a penguin this time.”
Ford looked down at himself and shrugged. “It happens.”
Pirates
“Ford! Ford, wake up!”
Ford reluctantly opened his eyes. His head was pounding. “Oh, Arthur, thank goodness. I dreamt we’d been captured by pirates.”
“We were. You challenged their captain to a rum-drinking contest.”
“That … certainly sounds like something I’d do. Did I win?”
Arthur looked round. “Well, you’ve regained consciousness and he hasn’t, so I’d say so, yes.”
…In SPACE!!
“My name is … well, in your terms, it’s something like Betelgeuse-Betelgeuse-Sevensa Ix Ford Prefect Beeblebrox dam Praxi. I’m a reporter.”
“For this … Guide.”
“Yes. It’s a voice-activated computerised reference text with millions of pages accessed through the Sub-Etha…” he trailed off, uncertain about the look he was getting.
“Amazing,” said the Culture representative, “A society so primitive, they still think electronic books are a pretty neat idea.”
Born Another Gender
“Ford, this is Trillian, hi,” said Zaphod, “Trillian, this is my quasi-niece Ford who has three of the same mothers as me, hi. Zaphod Beeblebrox, this is a very large drink, hi.”
Arthur stared at Ford, “Sorry, did he just say quasi-niece?”
“If that’s how the babel fish translated it to you, then yes.”
Arthur continued staring at Ford, “Then you’re…”
Ford rolled hir eyes. “Not even as simple as that, I’m afraid. Poor old Earthman and his culture shock, eh?”
Schoolfic
“You must be Dent,” said the older boy, “I’m Prefect.”
“Pleased to meet you,” said Arthur, “What’s your name?”
“I just told you.”
Arthur frowned. “No you didn’t, you just said you were a prefect.”
“Not a prefect, just Prefect.”
“Is this one of those school slang things? Prefect doesn’t have an ‘a’ here?”
“No, my name’s Prefect. I’m definitely not a prefect.” He laughed. “There’s no way Mr van Harl would ever make me a prefect! Not after he banned me from working on the student magazine.”
“Why, what did you put in the student magazine?”
“Everything.”
Police/Firefighters
“It’s another incident, same as the last three, sir,” reported DC Dent, “Forensics say there were at least two men involved in the attack, armed with cricket bats.”
“You know, DCI Bartfast is still on us to solve this case,” Inspector Prefect said, without moving from his precariously balanced chair.
“Well, yes sir. It’s our job.”
“But why is it our job?” Prefect demanded, suddenly jumping to his feet. “When you live in a world where deranged cricketers go around killing people, what’s the point of it? Whatever drives them to do this, I don’t understand it, and if I don’t understand it, how can I solve it? So the most rational course of action is to go to the pub.”
DC Dent was unsure how to react to this, but was spared having to do so by his mobile ringing. He listened for a while, then said “Yes, Sarge,” and hung up.
“That was DS Macmillan. She caught the whole gang, sir. Just routine police work, she said.”
“There you are, Constable. All that fuss from the Chief Inspector, and the case was solved without our involvement. Once again, the most rational course of action is to go to the pub.”
Urban Fantasy
“Arthur, how would you react if I said I wasn’t from Guilford, but from an alternate dimension you would probably refer to as the Land of Faerie?”
“I don’t know. Why, do you think it’s the sort of thing you’re likely to say?”
Ford sighed. “We just stopped a troll tearing down your house, at least temporarily. I think a more open mind might be advisable in the circumstances.”
Steampunk
The Heart of Orichalcum was the finest submersible ever built. While Prefect might question his cousin’s wisdom in stealing it, he certainly couldn’t fault the man’s taste.
“So where are we going, old chap?” he asked.
“Why, to Atlantis, of course! Where else would gentleman adventurers take a submersible?”
“Then I have but one question. Is there any tea on this vessel?”
“Again, Ford, gentleman adventurers. Of course there is.”
rhiannon_s)Wild West
“I’ve been tracking this outlaw from the Yukon,” the stranger in the Canadian Northwest Mounted Police uniform said, “And I know he ended up in this town.”
“Maybe,” said Sheriff Vecchio, “But I’m the law in these parts.”
“Excellent. I’ll need you to fill in all these forms confirming that this is an authorised cross-border operation with joint responsibility and full accountability…”
“Okay, stranger, when I said I was the law, I was trying to convey that there ain’t really any law here except what I say there is.”
The Mountie looked perplexed, “Does that mean you don’t want the forms?”
Cyberpunk
It had been another long day for Ray Vecchio of the Midwestern Zone Peacekeepers. And, as ever, he was taking it out on the boss.
“Look, chief, I don’t know what they do to their officers in the Northern Zones, but you could replace that guy with a droid programmed with nothing but protocols, and it’d be hard to tell the difference! I think that K900 cyberwolf of his has more imagination than him!”
“Sorry, Vecchio, but you’re stuck with him.”
“Listen to me, chief! I’ve just crashed another 2042 Buick skycruiser thanks to him! The guy’s a menace!”
Shapeshifers
Ray was surprised to see another Mountie sitting at Fraser’s desk. Fraser himself was on the other side of it, talking to the guy in sign language.
“Full moon last night,” Fraser said, as if that explained everything. When it became apparent from Ray’s expression that it didn’t, he added “You didn’t really think Diefenbaker was just a wolf, did you?”
Pirates
“Captain! There’s a Royal Navy sloop heading towards us! It’s the HMS Halifax! I told you returning to Canadian waters was a mistake!”
“Don’t worry about the Halifax,” smiled Captain Victoria Metcalf, “I know exactly how to deal with that ship. Or at least, with her captain.”
…In SPACE!!
Jabba roared in Huttese. “You have no authority to arrest me,” his translator droid said emotionlessly, “What are you even doing on this planet?”
“I first came to Tatooine on the trail of the killers of my father,” the Jedi explained, “And, for reasons that don’t need exploring at this juncture, I have remained, attached as liaison to the Hoth Consulate.”
Behind him, the Force ghost of Bob Fraser shook his head. “You don’t need to say it every time, son.”
Born Another Gender
“You’re giving the assignment to Constable Turnbull, sir? Might I ask why?”
Inspector Thatcher sighed. “Look, Constable Fraser … Alberta. I know how difficult it is to be a woman in this job. And that’s exactly why I can’t look like I’m favouring you. You got the last one, he gets this one.”
“I understand, sir.” She wanted to say more, express her solidarity with her superior, but she had a feeling it might be misunderstood.
Schoolfic
“So you’re a transfer student from Canada, Benny? It must be pretty different, huh?”
The new kid nodded briefly, “It’s Benton. And there are a few adjustments to be made, yes.”
“Like the school uniform,” said Ray, “Or rather, the lack of one. You keep coming to a Chicago public school in a tie and a blazer with a maple leaf badge, the other kids are gonna give you a hard time.” He didn’t mention that he’d heard two seniors, Huey and Dewey, making fun of the kid already.
Benton thought about this for a moment, “I don’t see how that would be a productive use of their school time. And worrying about it wouldn’t be a productive use of mine.”
“Okay, Benny, you definitely need a friend to keep an eye on you, and I guess I’m volunteering for the gig.”
Benton didn’t seem to know what to say to that. Eventually he managed “Thank you kindly, Ray.”
“Sure, whatever.”
Police/Firefighters
I think I get a pass on this one…
Urban Fantasy
Ray entered police headquarters and immediately froze in his tracks. “Hey, what is this?”
“As I suspected,” said Fraser, “You are unable to leave the salt circle I placed, which confirms my previous suspicions that you are not Ray Vecchio, but some manner of changeling who has taken his place for reasons unknown and glamoured the police department and his sister into not noticing any discrepancies.”
Kowalski sighed and returned to his true form. “Nice going, Constable. But you were glamoured as well. In fact, more than anyone. How did you break it?”
“I didn’t. However, you neglected to glamour Dief, and he quickly alerted me to the situation.”
“I knew that dog was barking too much.”
Steampunk
The pursuit of the suspects had taken Constable Fraser and Detective Vecchio back to Canada. Specifically, to Toronto, where they had liaised with the detective at Station House 5. Much to the surprise of Vecchio, who had not previously realised Canada had police forces besides the Mounties.
“And this,” the Canadian detective explained, “is an invention of my own, the ultraviolet lightbox. With it, we can find clues that would be invisible to the naked eye.”
“Indeed,” replied Fraser, “Although I’ve found a thorough knowledge of the various scents and tastes one might encounter can make up for any deficiencies in vision.”
“Indeed. However, no matter how sensitive one’s senses are, there is always the possibility key evidence may lie beyond them.”
“Indeed.”
“Indeed.”
Vecchio was ready to explode from impatience.
Ford Prefect (for
rhiannon_s)Wild West
“We don’t get many strangers at the Pink Dog Saloon,” the tough looking hombre growled.
“Really?” asked Ford, looking around, “I can’t imagine why not. Very … atmospheric.” He moseyed up to the bar. “Anything that has more alcohol than is probably wise,” he ordered.
Between his accent and his clothing – a derby hat and a somewhat mismatched three-piece suit, just a little wider and louder than the fashions back east – the regulars had the newcomer pegged as a dude. And if there was one thing they hated more than strangers, it was greenhorn strangers.
“Gonna need to see your money first,” said the bartender, without looking up.
“Ah. Okay, I don’t exactly have much cash at the moment. But I’m good for it, just as soon as my latest assignment comes through…”
“You know what we do to strangers who can’t pay their way?”
“Well, no,” admitted Ford, “In fact, I suspect most people don’t. Would you like them to?”
“Huh?”
Very carefully, so everyone could see he wasn’t pulling a gun or a knife, Ford reached into the pocket of his checked waistcoat and produced two items. One was a battered copy of a dime novel. The other was a card reading:
F. PREFECT
-WRITER-
ZANE ZARNIWOOP’S WESTERN WEEKLY
H2 PUBLISHERS, NEW YORK
“If you want people to know how dangerous this place is, let’s talk.”
Cyberpunk
“It’s called The Netrunner’s Guide to Cyberspace”, Ford explained, “It’s an up-to-the-femtosecond, constantly updating wikistream of all the cybernodes in the datasphere.”
“Gosh,” said Arthur, “What does it say about the Anglorealm?” He called it up.
“One word? England’s entire data footprint, thousands of nodes, summed up in one word?”
Ford blinked. “There,” he said, “I’ve increased the amount of memory the Guide has assigned to the Anglorealm by nearly 100%. Can’t say fairer than that.”
Shapeshifters
“Ford,” said Arthur, “Has the Infinite Improbability thing been switched back on?”
Ford looked over to where Zaphod and Trillian were arguing with Eddie. “Don’t think so,” he said.
“Then I can only assume that you really are turning into a penguin this time.”
Ford looked down at himself and shrugged. “It happens.”
Pirates
“Ford! Ford, wake up!”
Ford reluctantly opened his eyes. His head was pounding. “Oh, Arthur, thank goodness. I dreamt we’d been captured by pirates.”
“We were. You challenged their captain to a rum-drinking contest.”
“That … certainly sounds like something I’d do. Did I win?”
Arthur looked round. “Well, you’ve regained consciousness and he hasn’t, so I’d say so, yes.”
…In SPACE!!
“My name is … well, in your terms, it’s something like Betelgeuse-Betelgeuse-Sevensa Ix Ford Prefect Beeblebrox dam Praxi. I’m a reporter.”
“For this … Guide.”
“Yes. It’s a voice-activated computerised reference text with millions of pages accessed through the Sub-Etha…” he trailed off, uncertain about the look he was getting.
“Amazing,” said the Culture representative, “A society so primitive, they still think electronic books are a pretty neat idea.”
Born Another Gender
“Ford, this is Trillian, hi,” said Zaphod, “Trillian, this is my quasi-niece Ford who has three of the same mothers as me, hi. Zaphod Beeblebrox, this is a very large drink, hi.”
Arthur stared at Ford, “Sorry, did he just say quasi-niece?”
“If that’s how the babel fish translated it to you, then yes.”
Arthur continued staring at Ford, “Then you’re…”
Ford rolled hir eyes. “Not even as simple as that, I’m afraid. Poor old Earthman and his culture shock, eh?”
Schoolfic
“You must be Dent,” said the older boy, “I’m Prefect.”
“Pleased to meet you,” said Arthur, “What’s your name?”
“I just told you.”
Arthur frowned. “No you didn’t, you just said you were a prefect.”
“Not a prefect, just Prefect.”
“Is this one of those school slang things? Prefect doesn’t have an ‘a’ here?”
“No, my name’s Prefect. I’m definitely not a prefect.” He laughed. “There’s no way Mr van Harl would ever make me a prefect! Not after he banned me from working on the student magazine.”
“Why, what did you put in the student magazine?”
“Everything.”
Police/Firefighters
“It’s another incident, same as the last three, sir,” reported DC Dent, “Forensics say there were at least two men involved in the attack, armed with cricket bats.”
“You know, DCI Bartfast is still on us to solve this case,” Inspector Prefect said, without moving from his precariously balanced chair.
“Well, yes sir. It’s our job.”
“But why is it our job?” Prefect demanded, suddenly jumping to his feet. “When you live in a world where deranged cricketers go around killing people, what’s the point of it? Whatever drives them to do this, I don’t understand it, and if I don’t understand it, how can I solve it? So the most rational course of action is to go to the pub.”
DC Dent was unsure how to react to this, but was spared having to do so by his mobile ringing. He listened for a while, then said “Yes, Sarge,” and hung up.
“That was DS Macmillan. She caught the whole gang, sir. Just routine police work, she said.”
“There you are, Constable. All that fuss from the Chief Inspector, and the case was solved without our involvement. Once again, the most rational course of action is to go to the pub.”
Urban Fantasy
“Arthur, how would you react if I said I wasn’t from Guilford, but from an alternate dimension you would probably refer to as the Land of Faerie?”
“I don’t know. Why, do you think it’s the sort of thing you’re likely to say?”
Ford sighed. “We just stopped a troll tearing down your house, at least temporarily. I think a more open mind might be advisable in the circumstances.”
Steampunk
The Heart of Orichalcum was the finest submersible ever built. While Prefect might question his cousin’s wisdom in stealing it, he certainly couldn’t fault the man’s taste.
“So where are we going, old chap?” he asked.
“Why, to Atlantis, of course! Where else would gentleman adventurers take a submersible?”
“Then I have but one question. Is there any tea on this vessel?”
“Again, Ford, gentleman adventurers. Of course there is.”
