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Discworld Olympic Ceremony
Just a really silly idea that occurred to me.
Hello, I’m William de Worde of the Ankh-Morpork Times, and you join me at the Opening Ceremony of the Year of the Second Inception Cori Celestic Games, created by Hwel the Playwright to be a celebration of Ankh-Morpork. As you can see, a huge cabbage field has been erected at the centre of the stadium, symbolising the surrounding countryside. The Sto Plains Morris Men have been persuaded not to perform, and I think we can look forward to many more surprises.
Now the Tower of Art, the oldest building in Ankh-Morpork, is rising dramatically from the field. And as actors dressed as wizards, led by Aberto Malich, emerge, we see the city taking form around the Unseen University. The wizards are joined by engineers, including Burgholt Stuttley Johnson, who had so much influence on the Ankh-Morpork skyline; street urchins from the Shades; and a group of marchers representing the Glorious Republic of Treacle Mine Road. A fascinating representation of Ankh-Morpork’s storied history.
A skit now in which Lord Vetinari, the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork, is taken to the stadium by the popular moving pictures character Hwondaland Smith, Balgrog Hunter, played by Victor Marachino. Proof that his lordship has a sense of humour, although it might not be wise to test the theory.
Nurses from the children’s ward of the Lady Sybil Free Hospital have prepared a dance routine in celebration. But they’re being menaced by the warriors who attack the Snot Goblins in Miss Felicity Beedle’s The War Against the Snot Goblins. And now the nurses are being defended by Mr Bunnsy and the hippopotamus from Where’s My Cow? A magnificent tribute to children’s literature, there.
And now a celebration of the famous Ankh-Morpork melting pot, with dwarfs, trolls, vampires and humans from all over the Disc coming together in a small house to strains of popular music from the past fifty years, including, of course, Music With Rocks In, which was invented at the Mended Drum, just across the river from the stadium. And there in the centre is Robert Dearheart, the inventor of the clacks network; another of Ankh-Morpork’s great gifts to the world.
And here comes the Cori Celestic torch. It’s travelled all the way from Ephebe, of course, and is now being taken up the Ankh by foot-the-ball legend Trev Likely in a specially designed dredger. Some of the dunnykindivers who built the privies in this magnificent stadium are in the prow of the boat, shovelling up the river to make it easier to navigate.
And while the torch makes its way to the stadium, the athletes arrive. Starting with the Ephebean team, of course, Ephebe being the birthplace of the Cori Celestic Games, and then in alphabetical order beginning with Applegrove. Applegrove is famous for its cider, but I suspect these athletes won’t be indulging...
...and finally Zlobenia, which is worth sixty-nine points in the Make Words With Letters That Have All Been Mixed Up Game, or more if you’re on a Three Times The Value Of The Whole Word square.
And now Trev Likely passes the torch to the Disc’s most famous runner, Rincewind the Wizzard. Rincewind has won many gold medals at previous Cori Celestic Games, usually without actually being entered in the races.
But before the cauldron is lit, and the Patrician declares the games open, the chairman of the Ankh-Morpork Games Committee has to make a long and interminable speech, so the crowd can engage in the great Morporkian tradition of looking bored and slightly embarrassed.
And so, as Imp Y Celyn tries to engage the crowd in a singalong of “She Won’t Change Her Mind”, a great opening ceremony comes to an end, and we now have to sit through two weeks of sport. This is William de Worde, heading back to the printing shop.
DISCLAIMER:
All Discworld characters and concepts were created by Terry Pratchett, except Applegrove, which is from GURPS Discworld by Phil Masters; “She Won’t Change Her Mind”, written by Keith Hopwood and Phil Bush for the Soul Music animated series; and the Cori Celestic games themselves, which I made up.
Cori Celestic Games, Year of the Second Inception, Summer, Ankh-Morpork and Sport are all trademarks of the A-M Games Committee and may not be used without permission under penalty of big men with sticks.
Hello, I’m William de Worde of the Ankh-Morpork Times, and you join me at the Opening Ceremony of the Year of the Second Inception Cori Celestic Games, created by Hwel the Playwright to be a celebration of Ankh-Morpork. As you can see, a huge cabbage field has been erected at the centre of the stadium, symbolising the surrounding countryside. The Sto Plains Morris Men have been persuaded not to perform, and I think we can look forward to many more surprises.
Now the Tower of Art, the oldest building in Ankh-Morpork, is rising dramatically from the field. And as actors dressed as wizards, led by Aberto Malich, emerge, we see the city taking form around the Unseen University. The wizards are joined by engineers, including Burgholt Stuttley Johnson, who had so much influence on the Ankh-Morpork skyline; street urchins from the Shades; and a group of marchers representing the Glorious Republic of Treacle Mine Road. A fascinating representation of Ankh-Morpork’s storied history.
A skit now in which Lord Vetinari, the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork, is taken to the stadium by the popular moving pictures character Hwondaland Smith, Balgrog Hunter, played by Victor Marachino. Proof that his lordship has a sense of humour, although it might not be wise to test the theory.
Nurses from the children’s ward of the Lady Sybil Free Hospital have prepared a dance routine in celebration. But they’re being menaced by the warriors who attack the Snot Goblins in Miss Felicity Beedle’s The War Against the Snot Goblins. And now the nurses are being defended by Mr Bunnsy and the hippopotamus from Where’s My Cow? A magnificent tribute to children’s literature, there.
And now a celebration of the famous Ankh-Morpork melting pot, with dwarfs, trolls, vampires and humans from all over the Disc coming together in a small house to strains of popular music from the past fifty years, including, of course, Music With Rocks In, which was invented at the Mended Drum, just across the river from the stadium. And there in the centre is Robert Dearheart, the inventor of the clacks network; another of Ankh-Morpork’s great gifts to the world.
And here comes the Cori Celestic torch. It’s travelled all the way from Ephebe, of course, and is now being taken up the Ankh by foot-the-ball legend Trev Likely in a specially designed dredger. Some of the dunnykindivers who built the privies in this magnificent stadium are in the prow of the boat, shovelling up the river to make it easier to navigate.
And while the torch makes its way to the stadium, the athletes arrive. Starting with the Ephebean team, of course, Ephebe being the birthplace of the Cori Celestic Games, and then in alphabetical order beginning with Applegrove. Applegrove is famous for its cider, but I suspect these athletes won’t be indulging...
...and finally Zlobenia, which is worth sixty-nine points in the Make Words With Letters That Have All Been Mixed Up Game, or more if you’re on a Three Times The Value Of The Whole Word square.
And now Trev Likely passes the torch to the Disc’s most famous runner, Rincewind the Wizzard. Rincewind has won many gold medals at previous Cori Celestic Games, usually without actually being entered in the races.
But before the cauldron is lit, and the Patrician declares the games open, the chairman of the Ankh-Morpork Games Committee has to make a long and interminable speech, so the crowd can engage in the great Morporkian tradition of looking bored and slightly embarrassed.
And so, as Imp Y Celyn tries to engage the crowd in a singalong of “She Won’t Change Her Mind”, a great opening ceremony comes to an end, and we now have to sit through two weeks of sport. This is William de Worde, heading back to the printing shop.
DISCLAIMER:
All Discworld characters and concepts were created by Terry Pratchett, except Applegrove, which is from GURPS Discworld by Phil Masters; “She Won’t Change Her Mind”, written by Keith Hopwood and Phil Bush for the Soul Music animated series; and the Cori Celestic games themselves, which I made up.
Cori Celestic Games, Year of the Second Inception, Summer, Ankh-Morpork and Sport are all trademarks of the A-M Games Committee and may not be used without permission under penalty of big men with sticks.