The Twelve Drabbles of Christmas
Dec. 23rd, 2012 09:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
daibhidc12 drabbles, based on the song. Seemed like a good idea at the time
WARNING: "Dodger: Three French Hens" contains SPOILERS.
Blackadder: A Partridge In A Pear Tree
It was nearly Christmas in Old London Town, and Ebenezer Blackadder, not yet turned to wickedness by the example of his ancestors, was decorating the moustache shop. He examined one decoration made by his assistant.
“Mr Baldrick,” he said gently, “I do not wish to criticise, but I suspect you may have misheard the carol.”
“What d’you mean, Mr B?”
“I believe the correct words are ‘a partridge in a pear tree’.”
“But partridges are ground birds, Mr B. You don’t get them in trees.”
“Ah, of course. When you put it that way, a parsnip makes much more sense.”
DC Universe: Two Turtle Doves
The sky was filled with steel-grey clouds as Dawn Granger looked uncertainly at the gravestone.
“Hi. We never knew each other, but we’re connected. I was visiting Holly, and it seemed appropriate to see you as well.
“Hank isn’t here, obviously. You know him; the way he deals with his grief is by getting angry. And he’s not much for Christmas anyway; ‘Peace on Earth’ isn’t his thing.” She smiled sadly, “Holly didn’t like Christmas much either. Her name didn’t help, of course.”
“Anyway, merry Christmas, Don Hall.”
As she looked up to leave, the sky seemed a bit brighter.
Dodger: Three French Hens
“Dodger,” said Serendipity, “Not that I’m complaining, but where exactly did you get our Christmas dinner?
“Well, we’re spies, right?” said Dodger. “In enemy territory, living on our wits in order to find out what the French Government’s up to?”
“Yes. That doesn’t answer my question.”
“Well, it’s not stealing, right? Not if you’re spies. It’s liberation.”
Serendipity sighed. “I’m not sure that chicken feels very liberated, my love. More roasted.”
Dodger grinned. The important thing was she didn’t learn about the other two chickens distributed to Paris’s street kids and start going on about him being a hero again.
Discworld: Four Colly Birds
“Wow, this is a great dead sheep”, said the raven cheerfully. “Eyeballs intact and everything.”
The Death of Rats nodded absently. As he watched, three other ravens hopped out of the woods. He tensed.
To his astonishment, “his” raven cocked its head, then allowed them to start eating.
Squeak? he asked.
“What? You were expecting me to flap at them screaming to defend my sheep?”
Squeak.
“Ravens are social creatures”, said the raven, “Why does everyone forget that? And it’s not like I can eat a whole sheep myself. Anyway, Hogswatch is a time for showing kindness. To the unkindness.”
Legion of Super-Heroes: Five Gold Rings
“Brainy, are you going to stay in the lab all day?” Cosmic Boy’s voice came through the intercom. Brainiac 5 ignored it. He was in the middle of an experiment, and didn’t have time for unnecessary interactions. Clearly, the fact he was remaining in the lab answered the question.
“It’s Holiday today. You need to socialise.”
No answer.
“I can’t force you to act like part of the team when you’re off-duty, so ... ah, forget it.”
Brainiac shrugged and continued his work on the spare flight rings. The improvements he was making would be the perfect presents to his friends.
Sherlock: Six Geese A-Laying
John walked into 221B to find six geese on the table. Sherlock was studying one of them.
“Ah, John, just in time! One of these geese may be about to lay an egg for us.”
John stared at him. “You do realise they’re frozen, don’t you?”
“Exactly! According to my investigations, Oakshott meat wholesalers use the cavities of frozen poultry to move contraband. But one of their ‘special’ geese got mixed with the ones intended for Beckinridge hypermarket, and ... aha!”
He produced a sparkling blue jewel. “Stolen from the pop singer ‘Lady Morcar’ last week. How’s that for an egg?”
Bleak Expectations: Seven Swans A-Swimming
“Pip Bin,” said Harry cheerfully, “I have the perfect Christmas gift for you.”
Pip sighed. “Why do I have the depressing feeling it involves swans?”
“It involves swans! You know how nightmares about Mr Benevolent disturb your sleep and make you grumpy in the mornings?”
Pip brightened. “Is your gift a swan-down duvet?”
“Nope. It’s more on the wakey-uppy side of things.”
“Then you've trained the swans to wake me?”
“Hurrumble, you’ve guessed!”
“I suppose loud honking is a reasonable way of waking.”
Harry looked uncertain. “Right. And how do you feel about having your bed dragged into the pond?”
Discworld: Eight Maids A-Milking
The Aching farm always got busy in the run-up to Hogswatchnight. Tiffany’s six sisters were helping Tiffany and their mother in the dairy.
“Can’t you just do this by magic?” one of them asked.
“I made a cheese with magic once,” Tiffany replied, “It doesn’t work. The only way to do real things is to really do them.”
“What about your ... little friends?” another sister asked. “Couldn’t they help?”
Tiffany laughed. “The only thing worse than trying to do things magically is asking the Nac Mac Feegle to do them.”
“Aye, she’s right there,” came a voice from the rafters.
Merlin: Nine Ladies Dancing
“So explain the Yuletide Ball to me,” Merlin said.
Arthur raised an eyebrow. “What’s to explain? It’s a dance, and it comes after the Yuletide Feast.”
“And all the knights are invited?”
“Of course.”
“So who are they going to be dancing with? There’s two women in the entire castle; Gwen and the cook.”
Arthur gave Merlin his what-kind-of-idiot-are-you? look. “What are you talking about? There’s all Guenevere’s ladies-in-waiting, for a start.”
“Gwen has ladies-in-waiting?”
“Of course she does, Merlin; she’s the queen.”
Merlin shrugged. “It’s just I’ve never seen any ladies-in-waiting.”
“Well, that’s probably because you never notice anything.”
Doctor Who: Ten Lords A-Leaping
“Right,” said the Tenth Doctor, “Nobody panic. Everything’s under control.”
“Oh, it’s you again,” said the Fifth Doctor in surprise, “What have you done now?”
“Something very complicated and wibbly, but the important bit is none of you are actually here.”
“None of ... us?” He looked round, and saw eight other Doctors.
“What do you mean we’re not here?” First demanded, “Where else would we be, hmm?”
“In my head. Trying to project memories of Otherstide, got it a bit wrong, sorry. But it’s fixable.”
“Indeed?” scowled Sixth, “And perhaps you could explain how?”
“No time. Leap of faith. Alons-y!”
Hamish and Dougal: Eleven Pipers Piping
“Hamish! You’ll have had your tea?”
“There’s no time for tea, Dougal! I’m trying tae organise the Tattoo.”
“Really? Well, Mad Tam’s Ink Parlour is just next to the Post Office...”
“No! The Hogmanay Tattoo! Nearly a dozen pipers, marching from the Big Hoose. Only, I couldnae find any pipers. So I took eleven folk off the street, and handed bagpipes to them. They’ll play as best they can, and the Laird will sing Auld Lang Syne.”
“Jings, man, nearly a dozen untrained pipers? Can you imagine the cacophony?”
“Aye, but with any luck the pipers should drown him oot!”
The Muppets: Twelve Drummers Drumming
“It’s The Muppet Christmas Show, with our special guest ... WITH OUR SPECIAL ... WHAT IS ALL THE NOISE ABOUT?!?”
The theatre fell silent at Kermit’s shout. Bunsen hurried towards him.
“It was an accident,” he explained, “I was trying to maximise gift-giving while saving resources, so I pulled my old matter duplicator out of storage. And Animal walked into it.”
The drumming started again. It seemed to be coming from everywhere.
“So we’ve got two Animals? But the noise...”
“Well, no. It kept happening. Eleven times. In retrospect, building it into a refrigerator casing may not have been the best idea.”
WARNING: "Dodger: Three French Hens" contains SPOILERS.
Blackadder: A Partridge In A Pear Tree
It was nearly Christmas in Old London Town, and Ebenezer Blackadder, not yet turned to wickedness by the example of his ancestors, was decorating the moustache shop. He examined one decoration made by his assistant.
“Mr Baldrick,” he said gently, “I do not wish to criticise, but I suspect you may have misheard the carol.”
“What d’you mean, Mr B?”
“I believe the correct words are ‘a partridge in a pear tree’.”
“But partridges are ground birds, Mr B. You don’t get them in trees.”
“Ah, of course. When you put it that way, a parsnip makes much more sense.”
DC Universe: Two Turtle Doves
The sky was filled with steel-grey clouds as Dawn Granger looked uncertainly at the gravestone.
“Hi. We never knew each other, but we’re connected. I was visiting Holly, and it seemed appropriate to see you as well.
“Hank isn’t here, obviously. You know him; the way he deals with his grief is by getting angry. And he’s not much for Christmas anyway; ‘Peace on Earth’ isn’t his thing.” She smiled sadly, “Holly didn’t like Christmas much either. Her name didn’t help, of course.”
“Anyway, merry Christmas, Don Hall.”
As she looked up to leave, the sky seemed a bit brighter.
Dodger: Three French Hens
“Dodger,” said Serendipity, “Not that I’m complaining, but where exactly did you get our Christmas dinner?
“Well, we’re spies, right?” said Dodger. “In enemy territory, living on our wits in order to find out what the French Government’s up to?”
“Yes. That doesn’t answer my question.”
“Well, it’s not stealing, right? Not if you’re spies. It’s liberation.”
Serendipity sighed. “I’m not sure that chicken feels very liberated, my love. More roasted.”
Dodger grinned. The important thing was she didn’t learn about the other two chickens distributed to Paris’s street kids and start going on about him being a hero again.
Discworld: Four Colly Birds
“Wow, this is a great dead sheep”, said the raven cheerfully. “Eyeballs intact and everything.”
The Death of Rats nodded absently. As he watched, three other ravens hopped out of the woods. He tensed.
To his astonishment, “his” raven cocked its head, then allowed them to start eating.
Squeak? he asked.
“What? You were expecting me to flap at them screaming to defend my sheep?”
Squeak.
“Ravens are social creatures”, said the raven, “Why does everyone forget that? And it’s not like I can eat a whole sheep myself. Anyway, Hogswatch is a time for showing kindness. To the unkindness.”
Legion of Super-Heroes: Five Gold Rings
“Brainy, are you going to stay in the lab all day?” Cosmic Boy’s voice came through the intercom. Brainiac 5 ignored it. He was in the middle of an experiment, and didn’t have time for unnecessary interactions. Clearly, the fact he was remaining in the lab answered the question.
“It’s Holiday today. You need to socialise.”
No answer.
“I can’t force you to act like part of the team when you’re off-duty, so ... ah, forget it.”
Brainiac shrugged and continued his work on the spare flight rings. The improvements he was making would be the perfect presents to his friends.
Sherlock: Six Geese A-Laying
John walked into 221B to find six geese on the table. Sherlock was studying one of them.
“Ah, John, just in time! One of these geese may be about to lay an egg for us.”
John stared at him. “You do realise they’re frozen, don’t you?”
“Exactly! According to my investigations, Oakshott meat wholesalers use the cavities of frozen poultry to move contraband. But one of their ‘special’ geese got mixed with the ones intended for Beckinridge hypermarket, and ... aha!”
He produced a sparkling blue jewel. “Stolen from the pop singer ‘Lady Morcar’ last week. How’s that for an egg?”
Bleak Expectations: Seven Swans A-Swimming
“Pip Bin,” said Harry cheerfully, “I have the perfect Christmas gift for you.”
Pip sighed. “Why do I have the depressing feeling it involves swans?”
“It involves swans! You know how nightmares about Mr Benevolent disturb your sleep and make you grumpy in the mornings?”
Pip brightened. “Is your gift a swan-down duvet?”
“Nope. It’s more on the wakey-uppy side of things.”
“Then you've trained the swans to wake me?”
“Hurrumble, you’ve guessed!”
“I suppose loud honking is a reasonable way of waking.”
Harry looked uncertain. “Right. And how do you feel about having your bed dragged into the pond?”
Discworld: Eight Maids A-Milking
The Aching farm always got busy in the run-up to Hogswatchnight. Tiffany’s six sisters were helping Tiffany and their mother in the dairy.
“Can’t you just do this by magic?” one of them asked.
“I made a cheese with magic once,” Tiffany replied, “It doesn’t work. The only way to do real things is to really do them.”
“What about your ... little friends?” another sister asked. “Couldn’t they help?”
Tiffany laughed. “The only thing worse than trying to do things magically is asking the Nac Mac Feegle to do them.”
“Aye, she’s right there,” came a voice from the rafters.
Merlin: Nine Ladies Dancing
“So explain the Yuletide Ball to me,” Merlin said.
Arthur raised an eyebrow. “What’s to explain? It’s a dance, and it comes after the Yuletide Feast.”
“And all the knights are invited?”
“Of course.”
“So who are they going to be dancing with? There’s two women in the entire castle; Gwen and the cook.”
Arthur gave Merlin his what-kind-of-idiot-are-you? look. “What are you talking about? There’s all Guenevere’s ladies-in-waiting, for a start.”
“Gwen has ladies-in-waiting?”
“Of course she does, Merlin; she’s the queen.”
Merlin shrugged. “It’s just I’ve never seen any ladies-in-waiting.”
“Well, that’s probably because you never notice anything.”
Doctor Who: Ten Lords A-Leaping
“Right,” said the Tenth Doctor, “Nobody panic. Everything’s under control.”
“Oh, it’s you again,” said the Fifth Doctor in surprise, “What have you done now?”
“Something very complicated and wibbly, but the important bit is none of you are actually here.”
“None of ... us?” He looked round, and saw eight other Doctors.
“What do you mean we’re not here?” First demanded, “Where else would we be, hmm?”
“In my head. Trying to project memories of Otherstide, got it a bit wrong, sorry. But it’s fixable.”
“Indeed?” scowled Sixth, “And perhaps you could explain how?”
“No time. Leap of faith. Alons-y!”
Hamish and Dougal: Eleven Pipers Piping
“Hamish! You’ll have had your tea?”
“There’s no time for tea, Dougal! I’m trying tae organise the Tattoo.”
“Really? Well, Mad Tam’s Ink Parlour is just next to the Post Office...”
“No! The Hogmanay Tattoo! Nearly a dozen pipers, marching from the Big Hoose. Only, I couldnae find any pipers. So I took eleven folk off the street, and handed bagpipes to them. They’ll play as best they can, and the Laird will sing Auld Lang Syne.”
“Jings, man, nearly a dozen untrained pipers? Can you imagine the cacophony?”
“Aye, but with any luck the pipers should drown him oot!”
The Muppets: Twelve Drummers Drumming
“It’s The Muppet Christmas Show, with our special guest ... WITH OUR SPECIAL ... WHAT IS ALL THE NOISE ABOUT?!?”
The theatre fell silent at Kermit’s shout. Bunsen hurried towards him.
“It was an accident,” he explained, “I was trying to maximise gift-giving while saving resources, so I pulled my old matter duplicator out of storage. And Animal walked into it.”
The drumming started again. It seemed to be coming from everywhere.
“So we’ve got two Animals? But the noise...”
“Well, no. It kept happening. Eleven times. In retrospect, building it into a refrigerator casing may not have been the best idea.”
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